9 Chickweed Rage

047: I Specifically Made Plans For Hamburgers

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Wed, 25 Mar 2026 04:00:00 -0700

After NOT making good on our promise to cover the courtship of Polly and Lolly last episode, we get around to it this time and boy do we ever regret it! Since we began this podcast, we have never made a clear distinction between Polly and Lolly. We did this because primarily Brooke Mac-El-Dee seems to believe they are perfectly interchangeable. Why draw two women as independent characters? But that's maybe being unfair to him. I mean, it's not like any of the characters are that much different from any other characters anyway. We try our best to keep it straight to help ourselves and our listeners along, but guys we have to tell you: It was fucking impossible to do so. Alistair is engaged to one of them but then is "in love" with the other. The one he's engaged to maybe doesn't even kiss him, or maybe by "kiss" Mac-El-Dee means fucking. Who knows! Alistair plays a concert with the one he's NOT engaged to and makes out with her on stage, while the one he's engaged to is in the audience with her parents, who (in their brief appearance in this run) don't seem concerned about what a fucking gross asshole Alistair is being. Now, which one is which in the above passage? Like we said, it was fucking impossible to keep straight and it ultimately doesn't matter because Alistair just ends up marrying the one he was engaged to after she suggests maybe they should kiss. Or some bullshit like that. It's fucking awful.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of this episode's strips on Instagram by clicking here. We've abandoned Twitter, because it's terrible, but you can now find this episode's strips on Bluesky by clicking here.

This self-palpating episode includes:

Kristi Noem
Daylight Savings
Beetlejuice
Dooneese from SNL
Turtleneck Town
Mertz pants
Pearl Jam
The Ben Franklin
Ruth Buzzi
Bart vs. Australia joke

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Bluesky: @9ChickweedRAGE.bsky.social. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

046: Etaoin Shrdlu, Baby!

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 15 Dec 2025 04:00:00 -0800

When given the simple task of doing a listener request, Brooke decides instead to go rogue. So instead of us talking about Alistair and his indifference about which twin he fucks or marries (but which would he kill?), we end up in the world of the Peels, Arthur and Nan-Lin. It's been ten episodes since we last saw them, and it took us a while to figure out exactly who we were dealing with this episode. Once we caught up, we discovered that -- of course! -- Arthur was drawn very differently from when we saw him last. Not a surprise! Anyway, these two people who (hilariously?) share the same last name, fall in love after accidentally (?) touching their tongues together. Brooke and Jeff absolutely lose their fucking minds over the creative choice to put the thoughts in a thought bubble backwards. But things only get worse from there when we finally remember that we've seen these two characters before. And after the briefest amount of research, we discover that -- of course -- Arthur looks NOTHING like the Arthur we met before. Nothing. Barely resembles the same character. Nan-Lin jumps his bones, because that's the only way courtship works in this fucking comic strip. And then we go down the same path we've been down before with the romantic couple talking ENDLESSLY about whether or not what was happening was actually real or somehow just a fantasy. It's insufferable, naturally. Arthur plays his "Reverie," the magical piece of music he wrote that sends listeners into fits of uncontrollable fucking. Nan-Lin recognizes it. And then she doesn't recognize it at all. Because that makes perfect sense. And then, upon hearing it, she drops to the floor and begins masturbating. No, seriously. For like four straight strips. As Arthur puts it, she "palpates herself." Even after he stops playing. Amazing that this run did not kill us.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

This self-palpating episode includes:

Listener requests
Happy Holidays
Tongues
Bugs Bunny
Turtlenecks
More Tongues
Etaoin Shrdlu
Hot Type
Sweat towel
Mongo like Sheriff Bart
Thrown glasses
Dutch angles
Calisthenics
Masturbation
McEldowney Ellipses
Thorax
Date rape drugs
Semi-colon
The 9th Chickweed Lane Circle of Hell
The Pants of Palpation
Breakfast of Champions
Asterisk = asshole

Talk to Us!

045: I'll Supply The Other Finger

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 29 Sep 2025 04:00:00 -0700

So our journey this episode takes us to a recital, where Amos and Edda get a less than glowing review from a critic. They are SO BAD at taking any amount of criticism that they go onstage the next night to flip the critic off. Oh wait! Yeah. In this world, Amos and Edda have a multi-night engagement AND the critic comes to EVERY performance AND writes about every performance. Just like in real life! So Amos flips off the audience (as a way of showing the audience that he disapproves of the critic's take) and Edda joins him. Then there's a reaction to THAT reaction, which also rubs Amos and Edda the wrong way. Because why wouldn't they be anything but, as they admit, childish, vindictive and ridiculous? There's a brief Sunday strip sidebar about how a bunch of scientists ask Amos to ask Edda how she keeps her boobs in her dress. I wish we were kidding about this, but no, this is REALLY what the Sunday strip is about. Then we return to the critic storyline where the critic shows up for a THIRD STRAIGHT performance to explain himself to Edda. She takes it well, and by that I mean she threatens to make him strip naked and dance in front of the audience. But only for the first 100 attendees. Yeah. It made zero sense to us either. Good times!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of this episode's strips on Instagram by clicking here. We've abandoned Twitter, because it's terrible, but you can now find this episode's strips on Bluesky by clicking here.

This childish, vindictive and ridiculous episode includes:

Breakfast at a hotel
Freaky Friday
Going to the doctor
Half-marathons & marathons
The dangers of the omelette bar
GU packets
Couches
The kids in Weapons
Orangutans
Leif Garrett
Tiger Beat Magazine
Shooting rude gestures
Fred Mertz pants
"Puttin' on the Ritz"
Kash Patel sitting on a chair
Seinfeld
Juggs magazine
Janet Jackson
The Thing from Fantastic Four
Rush

Talk to Us!

044: All Mandibles Glaring!

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Tue, 19 Aug 2025 04:00:00 -0700

For this episode, we spend basically all of our time in the water, a Mac-El-Dee classic! But we begin with Edda staring at her reflection in a mirror, because of COURSE that's what she's doing. Edda provides multiple opportunities for the Brooke-ster to draw crazy teeth, for reasons that are completely unclear. Turns out, she's trying out various monster faces to look sexier for Amos -- like that would make any fucking difference with him. Amos points out that she has spinach in her teeth (which she somehow missed while staring at her mouth in the mirror) and Edda is despondent from shame. He makes up for it by calling her "the sweetest girl in all the world." Edda and Amos kiss in front of Polly and Lolly who hope that Amos "doesn't pick up her cold sore." Yep. That's a normal phrase: "pick up a cold sore." Edda then grabs Amos's legs underwater causing him to scream "like a little girl," which she then shames him for over the course of several strips. Proving, naturally, that she is indeed "the sweetest girl in all the world." Later, when Polly and Lolly are older, they again have a conversation with Edda about being sexy, which is a totally normal conversation moms have with their daughters literally all the time. Lolly makes out with Alistair at the beach, climbing up him and sliding her feet into his swimsuit to remove it. Yes, you read that right. And then she locks toes with him. Because: ROMANCE! The world is on fire but romance is still alive on Chickweed Lane! Hooray!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

This strangely vegan episode includes:

Peeps vs. Peeps
Defending Your Life
YouTube
Rosetta Stone
Jeff's Crazy Mom
Oberammergau
Garmisch-Partenkirchen
The Passion Play
Munich
Marienplatz
Hofbräuhaus
I said "Angry Orange" but I meant "Annoying Orange"
High School Swimsuits
Vegans
Cold sores
Seth Meyers
Crimepot
The Wilhelm Scream
Christopher Lloyd as Judge Doom

Talk to Us!

043: I Hear You'll Do Anything for a Box of Mild Duds

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 28 Jul 2025 04:00:00 -0700

So sorry we've been away for so long. If it's any consolation, these strips punish us quite handily for our laziness. Boy do they ever! The white hot romance of Juliette and Elliott is explored a little this time around. Seems that Juliette loses her shit for Milk Duds. She makes it sound like it's a sexual thing, because isn't everything sexual in this godforsaken strip? But by the time we actually witness it, it's just Elliott with a cereal box-sized container of Milk Duds on his lap and Juliette sitting next to him with what appears to be 100 duds in each cheek. Certainly all of this came about so ol' Mac-El-Dee could have Elliott talk about how Juliette likes to have a "mouthful of caramel balls." Otis weaponizes the information by tempting Juliette with Milk Duds and getting her to sing a dirty version of an old TV theme -- one she makes up for him. Don't think too hard about what appears to be a teenager prostituting his girlfriend's mom. It's actually just silly and fun and definitely NOT WEIRD AT ALL. We also see one of the most poorly drawn examples of the Edda-in-a-leotard-in-front-of-a-mirror trope that the old pervert loves so much. And to finish it off, Otis reveals to Edda that he literally has no idea what a sunset is. None. Seriously.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

This sensual phantasmagoria of an episode includes:

Nuts vs. Seeds
GoComics is not free
Diet Coke
Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park
Brooke's imaginary horse
Brooke's non-imaginary mom
Charlie Brown's shirt
Milk Duds
Junior Mints
How to Train Your Dragon
Chuck E. Cheese
Gilligan’s Island
The Forbidden Dance
Peanut Butter M&M’s
Milk Duds
Whoppers
Mickey Rourke in Diner
Dutch angle

Talk to Us!

042: You Didn't Pass the Panty Round

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Fri, 30 May 2025 04:00:00 -0700

After two and a half years of doing this podcast, Jeff has obviously lost his mind. He brings thirty -- THIRTY -- strips to discuss, all about the lead-up to Seth and Fernanda's wedding. And boy oh boy is it a doozy! We talk about how Brooke is obviously the world's favorite co-host of this podcast, and that's it's not even close. We begin with Fernanda talking about panties at length, which we had just barely scratched the surface of in our previous episode. We discover that Fernanda (and ultimately Brooke Mac-El-Dee himself) does not truly understand the concept of rounding off numbers. Apparently, a skill being taught to (and being understood by) elementary school children eludes our dear author. Nor does he seem to be aware of the total number of people currently on the planet or how many of that number would be men. Why would that be important? It's not really. But he mis-uses both of those pieces of information to get to what he believes is a joke. So he's both inaccurate and not funny. But, shit, we knew all that already, didn't we? In the lead-up to Fernanda and Seth getting married, Edda kisses Seth, for no real good reason, TWICE. Both times, Amos is like, "Well, that seems normal and fine." But to us, of course, it seems like proof the two of them totally did it. Like, for sure. Fernanda and Seth are in a pool, a shower, and a couple of different tubs. And after basically six straight weeks of this dumb storyline it ends with them in a tub throwing a phone away. Yep. Classic stuff.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

This episode is a trifle cyanotic yet still includes:

Louise Brooks
Rounding numbers
Crab claws
Shiplap
Vinyl Siding
Gilligan's Island
Fonzie
Cunnilingus/Streetilingus
Moby Dick
Dorf on Golf
Phones in tubs

Talk to Us!

041: Welcome to the Sex Toilet, Matt Fraction!

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Sun, 16 Mar 2025 04:00:00 -0700

Matt Fraction really should be writing the new Batman comic, but instead he made the mistake of wondering, "What exactly is this comic strip Jeff and Brooke are talking about?" It's a dangerous question to pose to yourself. Even more so, as Matt discovered, if one makes the mistake of Googling this comic strip. It kind of opens a Pandora's box. Which is what happened, and the next thing Matt knew, he was reading years' worth of Chickweed Lanes. Seriously guys, he took pages of notes! After the deep immersion, he agreed to join us on the podcast to talk about the things he witnessed. That includes: couples going to TGI Fingerbang's, something known as "ffawnky mozm fimps," curious children who lift mommy's skirt, hetero-curious ballet dancers, buttholes that look like clown's mouths, falling in love with Nazis, vaginas (with and without crawfish), "knockout gams," how much Brooke Mc-El-Dee knows about menstruation (not much!), elderly men who produce ink when startled, the hypnotic sexiness of cat's buttholes, and a final strip so surprising, it floors Brooke Dillman, almost literally. And this after two of the earlier strips nearly killed her already! Along the way, we talk about Dilbert, Alan Moore, Gene Simmons, and Kansas City's most famous serial killer. Also Matt makes a really good point about Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's our largest episode ever and for a good reason! Drake! Dillman! Fraction! Let's go!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips on Instagram by clicking here. We've abandoned Twitter, because it's terrible, but you can now find us on Bluesky by clicking here.

This ffawnky mozm fimps episode includes:

Malcolm in the Middle
Good Brooke vs. Bad Brooke
the Death Star trash chute
Game of Thrones
Dilbert
Dutch angles
Terminator 2
sexual chicken fight
The Shining twins
The Brady Bunch
Converse All-Stars
Hoosiers
Alan Moore
Swamp Thing
The Mona Lisa & the Scream
Eva Braun
Danny Thomas
Bill Oakley
tight butts drive Matt nuts
KISS and the Kiss Kasket
Gene Simmons
Cindy Lou Who
Raiders of the Lost Ark
The Lockhorns
Stephen Sondheim
Stan Lee
Kansas City serial killer Bob Berdella
Jorge Jimenez

Talk to Us!

Special Guest: Matt Fraction.

040: A Bellowing Stag in Rut

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Sun, 16 Feb 2025 04:00:00 -0800

In the days leading up to the wedding of Amos and Edda, Edda tries to seduce her (mostly) gay roommate Seth. He rebuffs her, or does he? She's engaged to Amos, but she (at the very least) dry humps his knee. He says no. But then (apparently?) he changes his mind and has sex with her anyway. Later, that same night? Later, like, the next day? It's impossible to decipher. But later she has sex with Amos and declares to him that she has always loved him. Both she and Seth lie about what happened. Amos seems to know what really happened but shoves it down deep inside so he can carry on living inside The Greatest Love Affair The World Has Ever Seen. As a result of whatever Edda did with Seth, she wants to elope. But they're stopped by Juliette and Seth who both want there to be a regular wedding, for very different reasons. Juliette wants a wedding she can attend, Seth wants Edda to wear the wedding dress he made her. The reasons he made the dress were to make Amos so amazed by her beauty that he would feel inferior and run to Seth for comfort, so Seth could then fuck Amos. Guys, this is actually what he says out loud in the strip. They get married. Their dog sniffs Eddas ass. And The Greatest Love Affair The World Has Ever Seen continues!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips on Instagram by clicking here. We've abandoned Twitter, because it's terrible, but you can now find us on Bluesky by clicking here.

This disgusting episode includes:

Diet Coke
Buying 9chickweedrage.com
Albania
Coach from Cheers
The Gulf of America
Matilda
Little Annie Rooney
Billy Budd
Siege of Vicksburg
Cameltoe on both shoulders
the Ben Franklin
Odysseus
McEldowney ellipses
corn niblet teeth
bag of Scrabble tiles
Van Halen / Van Hagar / Van Hoesen
Chimney sweeps
crab claw hands
see you next Tuesday
turtlenecks
It Happened One Night
Howdy Doody

Talk to Us!

039: Would You Mind Spitting In My Mask?

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Tue, 24 Dec 2024 04:00:00 -0800

Amos and Edda are in a body of water, so that of course means that it is unclear: a) what kind of body of water it is, b) how deep the water is, and c) if there are any other people around. Amos threatens (promises?) to drown himself waiting for Edda to swim by again. I mean, they're married or at least dating at this point, so I'm not sure why he's being so stealthy about looking at her. Later, he sees legs under the water and decides to swim through them BEFORE BEING CERTAIN THEY BELONG TO EDDA. It ends up being Edda, who traps him between her thighs (metaphor!), and then he basically stays there, with his head pressed against her vagina. Mostly, it's the top of his head, which is confusing but also a bit of a relief. There's a moment where it totally seems like Ol' Mac-El-Dee wanted to imply that Amos was going downtown while in the pool, but the way it's drawn would rule that out. Physical impossibility rears its head in a strip where it appears Edda has removed Amos's head from his body. In the end, they either fuck, drown, or fart jointly under the water. Because ROMANCE! In a bonus strip, Edda dance/romances a dead-eyed Amos (is there any other kind?) and ends up kissing him while standing with her feet on his shoulders. Yeah. Try to imagine what that looks like. And good luck!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips on Instagram by clicking here. We've abandoned our Twitter presence, but you can now find us on Bluesky by clicking here.

This suspiciously bubbly episode includes:

Headphones vs. Earsets
Jigsaw puzzles
Kansas City
Is Stroud's Fried Chicken still around? Yes, it is.
Sudoku
Jigsaw Chat!
Brooke's hair surprises!
The official beginning of Spring
Crocuses are fucking useless
Stretch Armstrong
Australian Crawl
Giantesses
Catywampus and Kitty-Corner
9-1-1 & 9-1-1 Lone Star
Thigh gap
Becky Thatcher
A bit of a Ben Franklin
Milk Milk Lemonade
Little House on the Prairie
Slingblade
"Can't Touch This!" by MC Hammer
"Bad Girls" by Donna Summer

Talk to Us!

038: Producing A Hissing Sound While Your Bosom Swells

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Tue, 03 Sep 2024 04:00:00 -0700

First of all, we recorded on Brooke Dillman's actual birthday. That was fun. To celebrate, we welcomed our first-ever guest Adam Grosswirth to the podcast. He tipped us off to the disgusting storyline about Polly & Lolly wanting to fuck the same guy...and both basically being okay with the fact that they might just do that. It's a truly upsetting journey, that we only cover the tiniest fraction of. Oh man, the Mac-El-Dee sure loves writing about this tired masturbatory fantasy. They're both in love with a guy named Alistair, who appears to be in his mid-30s. But SURPRISE! He's 16. Look at a picture. You won't believe it either. He's as sixteen as any of the cast members of Beverly Hills 90210 were. Even less so. Anyway, Alistair's courtship of the twins begins with him asking both of them out on one date, because he doesn't want to choose. Also, they're obviously not individual human beings but identical fantasy fucktoys! Seems impossible that someone would ever accuse Mac-El-Dee of being a feminist.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here or on Instagram by clicking here.

This disgusting episode includes:

Lemonheads
Brooke Dillman's Birthday
Gadget Hackwrench from Rescue Rangers
Trios for six hands
Masturbation
Bosoms
Mac Tonight
Poitrines
Anything Goes
Benny Hill
George Carlin
The Ben Franklins
Skibidi Toilet

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

Special Guest: Adam Grosswirth.

037: Contemplation of the Ladies' Edible Underwear Sale

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Tue, 30 Jul 2024 04:00:00 -0700

We do our best to figure out where this stupid comic strip all allegedly takes place, but we get distracted. I mean, it's sort of what we do, right? Along the way, Juliette climbs over a couch that looks like a hot dog bun, Uncle Ethel becomes Auntie Ethel for no obvious reason, Edda does gymnastics in a subway, Edda and Amos fuck on a busy city street. Guys, the wheels really come off the wagon this episode. In short, we don't really get to the bottom of where this dumb strip actually takes place. But we do talk about Circus Dick Syndrome and the FM radio stations we grew up with. So, that's something I guess.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here.

This geographically puzzling episode includes:

Paddington 2
Babe
Hugh Grant
London
Sting
James Brown
Gymnastics in the subway
Fucking on a New York city street
Edible underwear
Aarkvard Seminary School
"Fuck it, we'll do it live!"
Circus Dick Syndrome
Drinking plain water
KY-102
Q104
Modern rock
Aerosol cheese
Cheez Whiz
A-1 Steak Sauce
Sure Deoderant
Figurines
Enjoli

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

036: I've Never Seen So Many Binoculars

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Tue, 02 Jul 2024 04:00:00 -0700

Somehow, we limit ourselves to only five strips this episode. Seems impossible, but we actually did it. Brooke (Dillman) found a short run on one topic that, while only five-strips in length, carried all the fury-inducing content of a dozen or more ordinary strips. The journey begins with Ginger (Xiulan's friend whom we met at Xiulan's wedding to Hugh) and Gerald (the guy from the wedding she's now apparently involved with), who is apparently her boss. She seduces him on his own desk and Xiulan walks in on them, informing them that all of the people in the building next door are watching them with binoculars. Neither of them has so much as unbuttoned one button, so they're as covered up as can be, but somehow this behavior is enough to encourage dozens of people to get their binoculars out of their desks (naturally, I suppose?) so they can watch them. Everything gets kicked up a notch when Edda and Amos try to introduce Fleurrie and Sven to Xiulan and Hugh. The simple introduction of couples results immediately in Fleurrie and Xiulan simultaneously sticking their tongues out at each other. Fleurrie adds, while she does so, "Mine's bigger," referring obviously to the size of her husband. Sven then asks Fleurrie about what he thought he heard her say, which was "mine's's bigger," which of course makes no sense and no one would ever say. Fleurrie assures him it was only a typo and the editor caught it. Sven is stunned to discover they have an editor (as are we), so stunned in fact that his eyes point in two different directions. Xiulan then sends a question to Uncle Ethel (Thorax), asking for clarification the apostrophe's in the word "mine's's" which she claims to have heard used recently. But of course no one said "mine's's" around her at all. She types her question to Uncle Ethel on her computer and he responds immediately from his manual typewriter, sending back a single character, which is either a comma or an apostrophe. Neither would work as a punchline, of course, and neither really makes any sense. But that's par for the course in a run of strips where two people talk about a contraction that literally no one said. I mean, what the fuck?

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here.

This episode, which is bigger than mine's's, includes:

The NEETs of the younger generation
Yodel the cat
Yodeling
Whales aren't fish
Brisket the dog
The Green Egg
Are banks companies?
Dorothy Parker
Bill spikes
Little House on the Prairie
Lashings
Wimpy will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today
Rat mites
Double entendres
Binoculars
Voyeurism

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

035: 45 Tablespoons Northeast of Surly

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Thu, 06 Jun 2024 04:00:00 -0700

As it turns out, Juliette is a professor. But she's more than that, she's also a total asshole. She treats the new Visiting Assistant Professor -- or Vizassprof -- horribly, all for our entertainment! Because what's more fun than evergreen jokes about the upper echelons of academia? Nothing, if you ask ol' Brooke Mac-El-Dee. Here we get a solid ten-strip run of nothing but professorial hilarity, as a Vizassprof named Britneigh (spelled that way for literally no reason), comes to Juliette for advice? We can only guess that's what originally compelled her. Of course, Juliette is immediately a cunt to her, but then also has no physical boundaries with her and definitely crosses some professional lines. She touches her chin lightly, she grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her super close, she hugs her unexpectedly, and then brings up ear nibbling out of nowhere. Were this a male-female dynamic, no one would doubt that the professor was trying to viz this prof's ass. Zing! Good one, Jeff & Brooke! Mr. Mac-El-Dee has a lot, we mean A LOT, of thoughts about the underwear worn by female professors. But of course it's hard to tell whether his understanding of women's underthings is any more advanced than the understanding of a nine-year-old boy. After all, he uses the phrase "two-piece tiger thong," which is, in itself, nonsensical. But that's just par for the course here, guys. Just more of his typical bullshit.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here.

This two-piece thonged episode includes:

High school reunion
Glass straws
Diet Coke
Sneezing
Chicken N Pickle
Running in hot weather
"Pegging the red"
"Rocket Man" by Elton John
France / Speaking French
Turtlenecks!
The end of 2001: A Space Odyssey
Septic tanks
Underwire bras
Crab-claw hands
Red Lobster
Smocks
Automats
McEldowney ellipsis
Jungle Animal Underwear
Turtlenecks
Kung Fu starring David Carradine

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

034: The Wormhole Is a Franchise

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Sat, 02 Mar 2024 04:00:00 -0800

For some reason, Edda or Amos (here sometimes referred to as Edna and Otis) has gone through a wormhole and now Polly and Lolly are older. How much older? Well, we think The Master intended them to be some specific age (probably because he couldn't wait for them to reach the age of consent, because he is a monster), but the way they are drawn from strip to strip makes it impossible to tell what age that is. Are they supposed to be in their early 20s? Mid-40's? 30s? Also, is there a reason (other than poor execution of course) that they both now have black hair which is going gray? So very fucking weird. There seems to be no reason for Polly and Lolly to have "time traveled" from an "alternative reality" other than to come raid Edda's closet for dresses. (EDITOR'S NOTE: it's ALWAYS alternate reality, no one has ever said alternative reality...until now.) Of course, daughters wearing their mom's clothes is a regular thing in this strip and it ALWAYS makes the mom mad. For some fucking reason. There is so much creepiness and grossness here that it was upsetting for us, including (but not limited to) the strip about Polly and Lolly as children talking about how they enjoy watching their parents dream about having sex. So, yeah, totally normal shit going on here, guys. Look, on this episode, it probably seems like we're just jumping into the middle of an ongoing story while ignoring the necessary prelude. And in a way we are. But here's the thing: We go back and do the research and Ol' Bee Mac-El-Dee plopped us down here with no real explanation. Because he's Just. That. Good. There's a sequence a couple of weeks before this where Edda is launched off a swing into space, but that's as close to a logical explanation as you're ever going to get in this god-forsaken comic.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here.

This episode, which exists in an alternative reality, includes:

Running in Griffith Park
The Perfect Crime
Time-Jumping
Edna & Otis
Twins
Prematurely graying
Coors Light "...and twins" commercial
Victorian Wasp Waist
The Ol' Ben Franklin
Weird hands/crab claws
The Ring girl
Beaver shots
Singin' in the Rain
Boris Pasternak
Alternate realities
Little Lord Fauntleroy
Playing jacks
Improper interrobang usage
Mannequin legs
Stilts

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

033: I'm Surveying You For Alternative Kiss Sites

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 29 Jan 2024 04:00:00 -0800

What better way to start the new year than to take a look at the first Chickweed Lanes of 2024? Well, I guess it might be better to NOT look at them at all. But that's really not on the table for us, now, is it? Please excuse Jeff sounding like he's broadcasting from inside a tin can. He was literally inside a tin can. Once again, get ready to enjoy some smooth jazz segues, because the technical problems again befall us. But we soldier on and find ourselves back in the world of ear-kissing and the familiar restaurant booths with seat-backs of varying heights (and nothing on the tables of course). Xiulan insists that her husband Hugh kiss Edda's ear, which he does without hesitation. Polly and Lolly practice piano, which for some fucking reason bothers Edda. There's more about kissing ears, then Amos decides to kiss Edda's neck, which is so very difficult what with all of the fucking turtlenecks everywhere. Then we end our episode with more Polly and Lolly. It's shocking (or is it?) that a random sampling of the first 8 strips from 2024 give us all of the things that are so tiresome and annoying about the strip. That, we suppose, is the genius of Brooke Mac-El-Dee.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here.

This fully turtlenecked episode includes:

Jazz!
Lalo Schifrin
Champagne
Turtlenecks!
Greedo from Star Wars
Rectum? Hell, it killed 'em both!
McEldowney Ellipsis
Ear kissing
Even more turtlenecks!
Piano practice
So many turtlenecks!
Kissing your Ben Franklin
The jazz flute from Anchorman
Full William Frawley
Connect Four
Winnie the Pooh
Attack of the 50-Foot Woman

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

032: You Sneezed All Over Julius Caesar Dithers

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Thu, 28 Dec 2023 04:00:00 -0800

After becoming convinced that Brooke Mac-El-Dee himself is listening to this podcast, we take a deep dive into his poor history with the ellipsis (and other punctuation). You see, in one strip, he makes a point of "educating" everyone about the use of an ellipsis. According to The Master, it is only used to indicated omitted words. And that is not only not true, it is also not how he has EVER used the ellipsis in his own work. In fact, we're not sure he has used it that way even once. So we go back through the strips we've already discussed and actually count the periods. (So many periods.) We also talk about a handful of strips where he "has fun" with punctuation with "hilarious" results. All in all, a fitting way to end the year.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here, or on Instagram by clicking here.

This ..... episode includes:

Sneezing
Diet Cokes
Christmas
Back trouble
riding a Segway
spot-eyed cats
semi-colon misuse
Ross & Rachel
Sam & Diane
Katniss & Peeta
motorboating
Eddie Izzard talks about Englebert Humperdinck
Underwood Farms
Goat habitrail
Goat poop
Welcome Back, Kotter
Peanuts
Comma splice
Kilroy Was Here
Tiger Beat
Leif Garrett
Shaun Cassidy
William Frawley's pants
Mowgli from The Jungle Book
The Dark Crystal

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

031: Like Hookers Short on Crazy Money

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 20 Nov 2023 04:00:00 -0800

It's the big day for Xiulan Ha'Penny Yuan and Hugh Portwhistle Godalming. For some reason, Xiulan has chosen Edda to be one of her two bridesmaids, because of course and why not? Look, Edda is a small part of a wedding that isn't her wedding, so naturally she's furious that someone else is getting all the attention. She has a plan to not only "go commando" underneath her cheongsam, but to "slink up the aisle like hookers short on crazy money." She thinks this would be a fun and funny thing to do at someone else's wedding. And I guess we are supposed to be charmed by this. Oh, that Edda! Typical Edda! What's not to love about her? Seth warns her and Ginger, Xiulan's friend and the other bridesmaid, not to do what they're planning, and Edda gets very mad about it. Xiulan yells at the two of them on the way down the aisle. Edda then sticks her tongue out at Seth, again, on the way down the aisle. Once at the altar, Hugh makes exclaiming "cor lumme" when he sees Xiulan. She makes fun of him for that. At the altar. But then tells him that she and her bridesmaids (who are sitting in the pews now?) are all going commando. They talk about this for a while. At the altar. Instead of getting the wedding going. The priest interrupts and then reveals he has also gone commando. We discover that other people have gone commando too. Then for some reason the priest gets mad about it.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here or on Instagram by clicking here.

This completely underwear-free episode includes:

wing-tip collars
pet collars
"I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" by Britney Spears
Dutch angles!
Cheongsams
Very bad hand drawings
The McEldowney Ellipsis!
Going commando
Pheromones
Pig Latin
Ealing Comedies
The Church of England
Cockney Slang
Adam Godley
Astronomical ellipsis usage!
Reading glasses
Marty Feldman
Bing Crosby

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Or maybe you just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE. And we're on Instagram: @9ChickweedRage.

030: Me Not So Hot With Scream

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 30 Oct 2023 04:00:00 -0700

Despite repeated mysterious technical difficulties, Brooke and Jeff persevered to bring you the 30th installment of this very important podcast. Was it worth all of the trouble? Of course the answer is no, probably not. But we begin with the aftermath of a date between Gil and Janice, the Nicolette Cignet photographer and Edda's friend and rival from the dance company we met way back in Episode 24: They Wanted You to Model Because of Sitzfleisch Allure. Gil is getting advice from Seth and Mark and tells them that he did not in fact bone Janice at the end of the date (which was their expectation), but instead kissed her on the left corner of her mouth. This move, according to Mark, is akin to "lighting a sensual fuse." Edda doesn't believe it, but Amos tries it and transports them to a series of famous romantic movies. First La Dolce Vita, then From Here to Eternity, Casablanca, It Happened One Night (which Jeff mistakenly places in 1939 instead of 1934, sorry!), before veering to North By Northwest and settling into the Tarzan canon. There are so many Tarzan strips, guys. It's all very, very stupid. But we soldiered on through multiple glitches and made it happen. Just for you! Also, Jeff tries really hard to explain Schrödinger's Cat to make a metaphorical point, only to fail in his explanation and then to fail to remember exactly why he was trying to make the point in the first place.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

You can find all of the strips either on Twitter by clicking here or on Instagram by clicking here.

This kiss-induced dream episode includes:

KU vs. MU
Mullets
Coup d'etat
Bartleby the Scrivener
Fletch talks about the filth and gunk
Nicolette Sheridan/Nicolette Cignet
Kevin Smith
George Santos and Steve Bannon
Form-fitting turtleneck mini-dress
DTF
Turtlenecks
Ellipses!
Ezio Pinza singing "Some Enchanted Evening" from Some Enchanted Evening
Records on 78
The Library of Congress
Ball-cupping
Beavers
The Trevi Fountain from La Dolce Vita
Gumby
Form-Fitting Neck-Brace Turtleneck
From Here to Eternity
Casablanca
It Happened One Night
North By Northwest
Tarzan
Obstetrics
Laurel & Hardy
Schrödinger's Cat explained so much better than Jeff tried to

Talk to Us!

029: Dr. Greene Inhaled His Cough Drop

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 04:00:00 -0700

Well, we've been gone for two months but we're back! And if you thought that this stupid comic strip wasn't still stupid, boy, are you in for a rude awakening! All the same old shit is still there: turtlenecks, Dutch angles, references to starlets of the '30s and '40s, no backgrounds, the McEldowney ellipsis! Oh, how did we survive all these weeks without these? Anyway, this stupid storyline is about Juliette and her boyfriend Elliott, whom everyone hates. (Including us!) One version of this story would be to say that he shows up to propose to her and ends up in the hospital. But it's all so fucking convoluted and the story changes with each new development. At first, Juliette is pretty confident that Elliott might pop the question, but she's not certain, so she wears a sexy dress to help him "pop." But later we discover that he proposes to her on a weekly basis. Then, we find out that the minute Elliott walked through the door, he inhaled a cough drop and needed medical attention. But later, we're told that he didn't inhale the cough drop until after she said yes. But even later, we're told that her dress caused him to have "an episode." And a doctor tells us that he inhaled a cough drop but then had an arrhythmia. Anyway, none of it makes any sense, especially the part where Elliott ends up in the ICU for more than a day. To confuse things even more, Brooke and Jeff talk about the ICU like it's the Emergency Room. But then again, that seems to be interchangeable with Brooke Mac-El-Dee as well. Later, a cat motorboats Juliette's boobs. And in the end, no one really gives a shit about what happened to Elliott because they're too busy talking about Juliette's dress. Spoiler alert: She's the sexiest person in the ICU and she loves it!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Edda and Juliette mention Jean Harlow, Juliette promises to make Elliott "pop," Elliott chokes on his cough drop, and a doctor stares at Juliette's boobs are here.
The "lethal, shrink-wrap, halter-top gown," Edda getting mad because her gay roommate thinks her mom is sexier, and Juliette looking hot (and enjoying it) in the ICU are here.
A cat motorboats Juliette's boobs, Amos talks about his fetid corpse, and Elliott somehow on his deathbed are here.

This lethal, shrink-wrapped episode includes:

Dive, Dove, Doven?
Phones, both corded and cordless
Auntie Mame
Turtlenecks!
Jean Harlow
Fisher-Price Little People
Dutch Angles!
The character design from Shark Tale.
No backgrounds!
Cough drops
Jolly Ranchers
Arrhythmia
Chekhov's Gun
Les Nessman's bandages
The McEldowney ellipsis!
Crystal Gayle
Being motorboated by a cat
The ICU

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028: I'll Just Serve You A Colossal Jong-Jong

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Tue, 18 Jul 2023 04:00:00 -0700

Inspired by the 4th of July (I guess), we go all the way back to the beginning and take a look at the very first Chickweed strips. Brooke Mac-El-Dee comes right out of the gate with Juliette talking with Edda about physical attractiveness and how that's very important to catch a man. Edda at this point is maybe 12, so this is a TOTALLY NORMAL AND APPROPRIATE conversation for a mother to have. But don't worry. Things get WAY MORE inappropriate pretty quickly. Isn't it comforting to know that this horrible comic strip was horrible in exactly the same ways from the beginning? Following up Juliette's lessons in female attractiveness, pre-teenage Edda already expresses what can only be described as Championship Level Body Dysmorphia. Classic Mac-El-Dee! There's a whole Sunday strip about a fly. Twelve-year-old Amos, who looks either drowned or electrocuted or both, spends an entire strip sniffing Edda...at her request of course. Sophia Loren's "bosom" is described as "proud." Edda shames her mother for not getting boned on a date. Then later the two of them celebrate Juliette finding her boyfriend's "button" and "pushing it." Which I suppose means she had sex. Edda encourages Amos to imagine random adults they're looking at naked. So that's totally cool also. And finally we spend about ten solid minutes trying to figure out what "I'll just serve you a colossal jong-jong" means.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Juliette teaches Edda about the necessity of being attractive and Edda expressing her complicated body dysmorphia ARE HERE.
A Sunday strip all about a dumb fly and Amos uncomfortably and repeatedly sniffing Edda ARE HERE.
Sophia Loren's "proud bosom," Juliette's inability to transform a man into a "gelatinous blob of slavering desire," and Amos showing his leg to some other boys ARE HERE.
Juliette talks to Edda about finding and pushing her boyfriend's button, Edda and Amos imagining adult strangers naked, and the famous colossal jong-jong ARE HERE.

This gelatinous, colossal episode includes:

4th of July
Joey Chestnut
Eating harmonicas
Christmas
Free Will
Major League Eating
"76 Trombones" from The Music Man
Funnel Cakes
Pizza Hut P'Zone
Dutch ovens
Twinkies
International waters
Barbie dolls
Lauren Bacall
Muppets
Telly the Monster
Dorothy Hamill
Scent of a Woman and Al Pacino's catchphrase
Sophia Loren
Slavering
Imagining everyone naked
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
The Colossal Jong-Jong

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027: My Speculations on Her Mother's Species

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 04:00:00 -0700

We could not resist the gravitational pull of the international cello competition that Amos won. You remember it, right? He and Edda got caught on camera (by a news balloon of course) having sex and then people complained that the sex tape (which everyone in the world saw) gave Amos an unfair advantage. So now we dive into the aftermath. It's 20 strips this episode, sorry guys! It's a re-match between Amos and Xiulan Yuan, and the competition will happen behind a screen and the contestants will have to switch cellos. Because of course both of those things make sense. For no good reason at all, other than Brooke McEldowney's hatred of women maybe, Edda hates Xiulan and decides to be a racist right to her face. It's fine (and funny?) I guess because Xiulan doesn't speak English. The competition happens, behind the screen, in front of an audience who paid good money to look at a screen on a stage. Instead of feeling ripped off, the audience hears Amos's cello playing and starts fucking basically. Just like always. Even people listening on a streaming broadcast end up fucking. Amos wins, of course, although he appears bored to be there for the entirety of the run. To cap it off, two nuns scissor from the joy of it. Pretty fucking typical for this comic strip.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Headlines explain the outrage, Juliette phones Edda in Brussels, and Amos switches cellos ARE HERE.
Seth wants Amos to "moitelize" Xiulan, Isabel Florin says an indecipherable four word phrase, and Edda quotes Rocky ARE HERE.
Amos wishes Xiulan luck, Edda is a racist, and Juliette wishes Seth wasn't gay ARE HERE.
Amos and Xiulan draw straws, Edda fogs up Amos's glasses, and we see a screen on a stage ARE HERE.
Edda plays the one-key piano filled with milk, Edda and Amos are overcome with the passion of playing, and we see their weird sex arms, too many of which are left arms ARE HERE.
Everyone listening starts fucking, second prize is awarded, and Edda flings her body toward a bored Amos ARE HERE.
Amos changes into a blue suit for the on-stage celebration and two nuns do it ARE HERE.

This episode, which was performed behind a screen, includes:

Winnebago Man
VHS
Cut my gums off
Silly Putty
New Math
"Love is in the Air" by John Paul Young
The World Wide Web
Once Upon a One More Time on Broadway
Ripped from the headlines
The Speed Cubers on Netflix
Turtlenecks
Edda's tragic baldness
Benjamin Franklin
Enslaved by the exclamation point
Macaroni microphone
Jeff Beck
Bugs Bunny
The Bowery Boys
Rocky
Sea cucumbers
The Bluey episode called "Pavlova"
The Price is Right and Truth or Consequences
Dutch angles
Two left arms
Full corn niblet mouth
Scissoring nuns

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026: The Wattles and the Flapping Flesh

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Tue, 09 May 2023 04:00:00 -0700

Here we are introduced to 60-year-old Arthur Peel and his assistant Nan-Lin Peel (no relation), who is thirty years younger than him. Arthur excuses himself for being a disgusting old man, with a balding head, hair coming out of his ears and nose and eyebrows, wattles, and flapping flesh. These are his descriptions of himself, although Brooke Mac-El-Dee doesn't take the time to actually draw him that way. He is balding, but he has thin, very well groomed eyebrows, no visible wattles and few wrinkles to speak of. He repeats this stuff over and over to Nan-Lin, who seems bored and beaten down by his monologue. (You and us both, sister!) Of course, when Arthur adds that he is in love with her, this changes everything for Nan-Lin, who then literally crawls across a table to kiss him. Arthur, in typical Chickweed style, doesn't understand what's happening or that Nan-Lin wants his wrinkly and flapping Johnson. He looks terrified and concerned for all fourteen (yeah, sorry) of these strips. She even gets up on the table and presents her beave to him. Still, he doesn't fucking understand what's going on. Because...it's funny, I guess? Anyway, she eventually slides into his lap and then they disappear under the table. At this point, we discover that they are in a restaurant. The waiter arrives and is unfazed by their near-fucking in the booth. So much so, he takes their order, and then seats two other guests across from them. These guests, Seth and his boyfriend, don't notice that there's a couple moments away from intercourse across the booth from them. And they begin to make out too. At this point, both couples notice each other. Embarrassed (?) Arthur and Nan-Lin bolt from the restaurant, but not before Arthur gives the waiter a huge tip. The waiter then claims he's in love. Which must be a joke, but isn't funny really. And also makes no sense in any context provided. But what the fuck were we expecting anyway, right?

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Arthur talks about his wattles and flapping flesh, Arthur talks about his wattles and flapping flesh AGAIN, and Arthur talks about his wattles but NOT his flapping flesh ARE HERE.
Nan-Lin presents her beave, Nan-Lin ends up in Arthur's lap, and Arthur and Nan-Lin end up lying down in a booth in a restaurant ARE HERE.
The waiter arrives to take their order, Nan-Lin and Arthur hear the waiter but just keep dry humping, and the waiter seats another couple opposite them ARE HERE.
Seth and Mark immediately begin to make out, Seth and Mark notice Arthur and Nan-Lin, and the waiter insists on a big tip ARE HERE.
The phrase "get a room" is uttered and the waiter falls in love with giant money ARE HERE.

This key party-adjacent episode includes:

What is the name of our favorite celebratory march?
Cell phones in cars
2008 Mercury Mariner Hybrid
Classic moment from The Man With Two Brains.
Lou Bega's Mambo No. 5.
Brooke's Broadway musical
Defibrillator
Paper pants
MRIs
Metal underwear/chastity belts/codpieces
Where "Bust a moo" originally came from.
Adam Godley
"Hot in Herre" by Nelly
McEldowney ellipsis
Ball wattles
Gilbert & Sullivan
Classical symphony orgasm
Pro-butt/Am-butt
21 Beave Salute
Motorboating
Laura Ingalls Wilder
Turtlenecks
Shrek
Bluey's "cone of shame!" episode
Throuples
The Case of the Disappearing Mustache!
Scooby Doo

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025: Tales of Eight Cylinders and Virginal Odometers

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 04:00:00 -0700

In this episode, we dive into Amos's subconscious, which is predictably icky. Amos describes a dream he had the previous night. He headlines it as a dream where Edda went to buy a car. But what the dream is really about is how the car salesman sexually assaulted her. So, at least we know where Amos's priorities lie. The Ol' Mac-El-Dee makes a big point of repeating (endlessly) that the salesman's name was "Wilkins or Fortescue," as if that is, by it's nature a very funny piece of business, which it is not. Also, and not for nothing, the salesman looks a lot, A LOT, like Amos. So I guess that's maybe the point? It's a rape fantasy that Amos is having? It's all filled with car-related double entendres, because of course it is. Edda assumes, from Amos's description that her dream self simply gave herself to the car salesman, which shows where her priorities lie, I guess. Amos spends most of the dream choosing tea at Zabar's. As if that's a great place to choose tea. But then he rushes in to save her. I mean, not "rushes in," per se. He had to choose his fucking tea first. But he enters the dealership and pushes the salesman "onto his beezer." Whatever the fuck that means. In the end, Edda gets turned on by Amos and, while they're walking down the street, throws her vagina at his face. Seriously. Wait till you see the picture. It's fucking ridiculous. Also impossible.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Wilkins or Fortescue descends on Edda and Amos chooses his tea at Zabar's are right here.
Amos pushes Wilkins or Forescue onto his beezer, Earl Grey keeps his secrets, and the Mac-El-Dee Walkin' C are right here.

This nightmarish episode includes:

Mullets
Headphones
Brooke's new comedy routine
Improv
Stuck in a closet
Listener feedback
"Tasty poopers"
Urban slang
Joe Biden
Abe Vigoda
Everything Everywhere All At Once
Harry Potter hands
8-cylinder cars
Andy Capp
Marathon Man
"Is it safe?"
Zabar's
Dean & Deluca
In 'N' Out
The Russian Tea Room
Walking cunnilingus
The Bachelor
Lawn chairs & ironing boards

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024: They Wanted You to Model Because of Sitzfleisch Allure

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 27 Mar 2023 04:00:00 -0700

Edda's modeling career begins when a scout for the famous designer Nicolette Cignet picks Edda from everyone else in her dance company because of her nice butt. Only, Brooke Mac-El-Dee never says "nice butt," he prefers to say "caboose" over and over and over, with a brief digression to "sitzfleisch" from Amos. The twist is that they only want Edda for her butt and they want Janice to be the face. So, even though it makes zero sense, they'll use both of them: Janice's face and Edda's butt. There is no exploration of whose midriff and boobs will make the cut. Which, frankly, is a little surprising. Edda is angry to find out she's Janice's butt double. But showbiz is showbiz, right? The lone photographer sent to shoot this very important ad campaign takes his photos. They are terrible. Along the way, we are subjected to "undie-carriage," "golden hind," "sealing the deal," and "licking their chops." It's super gross. Edda ends up angry about butts, which takes us back around to one of the Thanksgiving strips we looked at, and helps us put in context why Edda was so mad about people saying "butt" all around her.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Edda finds out the Nicolette Cignet people want to talk to her, Seth throws shade at Edda for it, and Seth goes out of his way to use "terpsichorean" are here.
Amos says "sitzfleisch" for no good reason, Edda and Janice find out they're both there for the job, and Edda and Janice shit talk each other's butts are here.
Edda finds out she's Janice's butt double, Gil explains why the Nicolette Cignet logo can't be seen on a small butt, and Gil sprays Janice with oil and water are here.
Gil takes his questionable photos, Edda and Janice talk about ballet being hard, and the truly terrible photo campaign are here.
We're introduced to the phrase "undie-carriage" and Edda goes on her Thanksgiving Butt Walk are here.

This award-winning, then award-losing episode includes:

Heart rates
The will to live
Urine drinking
Willie Nelson
The Huggle
Neck muscles
Steroids
Autopsy impressions
Rich Little is STILL doing impressions?
Fred Travelina
"The Way We Were" by Barbra Streisand
"Welcome Back Kotter" theme song.
Dutch Angle
The Terpsichorean Arts
Sitzfleisch
Cabooses
Lobster claws
Chaps vs. Shaps
Van der Graaf Generator
Butt Doubles
Body Shaming
Coco from Fame
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Sergio Valente Jeans
Cross-Country Travel
Transporting Ashes

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023: A Very, Very Good Glass of Water

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 20 Feb 2023 04:00:00 -0800

After Edda "cures" Amos's hiccups, he takes the stage, first without his cello (hilarious!) and then with it. His performance, which is of course watched via satellite by all of his family and friends, inspires so much passion, that Juliette fucks Elliott on the couch right next to Nan. It also inspires Isabel to have sex with her boyfriend and Seth to make up with Mark, who appears here as a doll or small child. Amos finishes his performance and everyone there loses their minds, throwing their programs in the air and then roses at Amos and Edda. Naturally, the judges unanimously award the grand prize to Amos, who honestly looks like he doesn't give a shit and would rather be anywhere else but there. The victory is short-lived because of the sex tape that everyone saw. You know, because that caused an unfair advantage. Amos asks for another juried performance and then fucks Edda at the press conference. And that's where we leave Brussels, because this just goes on and on and we've truly had enough. (Part 3 of 3)

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Two Belgian perverts listen to Amos & Edda have sex, Amos & Edda finish having sex, Amos forgets his cello, then Amos forgets he's at a competition are here.
Amos & Edda begin their performance, the audience falls in love, Juliette & Elliott have sex next to Gran, and Isabel accosts her boyfriend are here.
Seth reunites with Mark, the audience throws their programs, the audience throws roses, and Amos gives Edda a rose are here.
Brooke Mac-El-Dee makes an ellipsis joke, Edda floats up to heaven, Amos and Edda get a phone call, and Edda finally has to tell Amos about the sex tape are here.
Amos doesn't care about the sex tape and Amos & Edda have sex at a press conference are here.

This award-winning, then award-losing episode includes:

Drug commercials
Resting heart rates
The Actor's Nightmare
Broadway
Stupid computers
Lurking outside doors
Claude the Cat
Showgirls
Yo-Yo Ma performs Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major.
"Great Balls of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis
Poltergeist
The clown scene is here and starts at 2:22.
The vulva
Sex in front of your mom
Turtlenecks!
Console TVs, much like this one.
Raggedy Andy Doll
Bats!
Caligula
Roses
Melissa Manchester sings "Please Don't Let This Feeling End."
Ellipses!
E.T.
More turtlenecks!
Sweet Greens
Souplantation

Talk to Us!

022: Rampant on a Bösendorfer

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 06 Feb 2023 04:00:00 -0800

The world watched Amos and Edda have sex, thanks to a Belgian breaking news balloon, the kind of balloon that floats through the city of Brussels, filled with at least 10 reporters looking for news stories. And part of how they look for news, we guess, is to peep through windows of buildings and film people without their permission. Seems totally cool. But maybe that's just how "European" they are, and we're all a bunch of American yahoos. Whatever the case, the video (or film as Brooke Mac-El-D prefers to call it) becomes a sensation on the internet. But before that, Juliette, Seth, and some lady named Isabel all see the video/film of Amos and Edda fucking on a piano in a rehearsal space, thanks to the peeping reporters on the news balloon that somehow hovered outside their window for the entirety of their tryst. Edda sees the video/film on her laptop, but keeps Amos from viewing it or even knowing about it. So he is pretty confused when they're on the streets of Brussels and everyone they pass, literally everyone, is craning their necks to look at them. And by craning their necks we mean turning their heads literally completely around. The venue is packed, not "standing room only" as one would normally say, but "crammed to the exit signs." Sure. Amos gets nervous, gets the hiccups, and Edda gives him a look that says, "let's fuck," even though he is five minutes from taking the stage. And that's where we end this episode. (Part 2 of 3)

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Juliette picks up the satellite broadcast from Brussels, tells Edda about it, and Edda is pleased Isabel has seen it are here.
Edda talks to Seth and then hides the video from Amos are here.
All of Brussels stares at Edda and Amos gets the hiccups again are here.

This episode that we picked up on a satellite broadcast from Brussels includes:

The classic Yahtzee commercial.
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Wild West
Ethel Merman
La La Land
The Oscar mixup explained.
We're twins!
Wood Burning Kit
Easy-Bake Ovens and the dangers thereof.
The Magic of Making Movies!
Singin' in the Rain
AMC's Nicole Kidman commercial
Breaking News Balloon
Turtlenecks!
Remote controls
The Bechdel Test
Picking up satellite broadcasts
Satellite Balloon / Balloon Satellite
And then this related thing that happened the same day we recorded.
Cirque du Soliel
Woody Allen
Let us never speak of Manhattan
Long-distance and international calls
Fabio killing a goose with his face.
Mike Teevee's mom says Rachmoninoff.
Harold & Maude
Columbo falls down a hill
Broken necks
Johnny Cash

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021: The Hiccups and the Special Way You Made Them Go Away

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 04:00:00 -0800

Buckle up for another epic run of this guy's fucking garbage. We start looking at the story of Amos and Edda finally doing it in Brussels during a cello competition. It begins with Edda making a move on Amos which causes him to have the hiccups, which results in Amos wanting to go home. But Edda claims she has a cure, which is (of course) fucking. As soon as they've done the deed, Edda gets on the phone back home to tell her mom that, yes, she used the same "hiccup cure" that Juliette did when Juliette first humped Elliott. Because of COURSE the women had to be the instigators and the men had to be uncertain, terrified idiots about sex. Amos and Edda can't keep their hands off each other, which means that Amos pins Edda (very uncomfortably) against a piano. This embrace is viewed by a hot air balloon filled with tourists? Prisoners of war? News reporters? It is so very unclear who the people are and why they're in a hot air balloon floating through downtown Brussels. But why should anything ever make sense in this fucking strip? Why? (Part 1 of 3)

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The ones where Edda comes on so strongly, Amos has hiccups, but she has a cure are here.
The ones where Edda tells Juliette about fucking Amos, then Edda and Amos make out while rehearsing are here.
The ones with the inexplicable spy balloon are here.

This no longer virginal episode includes:

Hangers
Broadway
Britney Spears
Laundry vs. clothes
Catholicism
Madonna vs. whore
Martin Scorsese
High five / down low too slow
The D.A. hairstyle
Lenny Briscoe
Jerry Orbach, Broadway star
The definition of infatuation
Hiccups
Jascha Heifetz
Tuba farts
Amos's Patented Panty-Dropper
Helium balloons in Burbank
Balloon day in church
Cleveland Balloonfest 1986
Liquid mercury
Pirate ship ride
Pro-Butt vs. Am-Butt
All of the hiccup cures
Pausing the recording
Turtlenecks
Syrup bottles
Star Trek: The Next Generation
The End Pin
International Cello Competition
Chicken wire cages
Hot air balloons
The Montgolfier Brothers
The Hindenburg
The Last of Us
News balloons

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020: A Pair of Overalls for the Pleasingly Plump Farmer

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 07:30:00 -0800

It's our first podcast of 2023! And we're so happy to discover that this strip still makes no goddamned sense at all. We begin our twelve-strip journey (yes! twelve!) with a customer service rep responding to texts from what turns out to be Thorax. Thorax is looking for overalls in XXXXL-Tall, so naturally his path to purchasing said clothing begins with texting a customer service person. And once he finds out it's a lady -- with the doubly unlikely name of Verity Dupee -- Thorax begins his harrassment. We're sorry, we totally mean romance. Romance as defined by Brooke McEldowney. Verity seems totally annoyed wiht Thorax. Who wouldn't be? But in the end she quits her job and travels to New Hampshire to hand deliver the overalls to Thorax, because she's in love with him. Right up until he tells her he's from another planet.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Thorax's romance/stalking of Verity Dupee begins right here.
Verity DEFINITELY seems like she might call the cops on Thorax right here.
For some reason, Verity is charmed by Thorax and visits him in New Hampshire right here.
Verity is ready to get it on with Thorax but he ruins it by saying he's from another planet right here.

This XXXL-tall episode includes:

Deep sleep
Smoked pepper cheddar cheese
Corn chowder with poblano pepper soup
Von's/Safeway and Ralph's/Kroger
The old Soup Hole
Dollar signs vs money signs
Customer service
The definition of verity.
Raising Arizona
Watt's Mill Theater in Kansas City
Columbo
Poise pads
Van der Graaf generator
XXXXL-Tall bib overalls
Strawberries
Paladins
Thorax's home planet
Murder, She Wrote
Love letters
The Fonz

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019: I Think This Whole Santa Tradition is Overrated

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 04:00:00 -0800

It's our last podcast of 2022! So to celebrate the holidays, we focus on Christmas this episode. Despite striking out at Halloween and Thanksgiving, we give the holidays another shot and take a look to see if Brooke McEldowney has anything joyful or celebratory to say about Christmas. The answer is, of course, mostly no. We're exposed to a very weird "pickle leg," an inappropriately sexy ballet Santa, Edda's sexy knees, and there's even a fun Hitchcockian cameo from McEldowney himself. By "fun," we mean very, very confusing. Ultimately, Amos and Edda show us they have some serious Santa cosplay kink that they can't resist the gravitational pull of, even when their bedraggled-looking twins are nearby. Our exploration ends with McEldowney saying (through Edda) "God bless cartoonists." Because of course he does. It's just like the end of_** A Christmas Carol**_, only if Dickens was a pompous asshole. Which is our way of saying, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We'll see you in 2023!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Edda dances, Seth becomes Sexy Santa, and Edda has sexy knees are here.
Seth's roommate hits on Edda and barfs and Brooke McEldowney makes an appearance are here.
Amos fucks pregnant Santa and Polly & Lolly hate Christmas are here.
And the world's most dismal White Christmas is here.

This episode's jolly journey includes:

Cottonelle toilet paper
Pandemic preparation
Peanut butter
Can peanut butter go bad?
Whimsical hydration bottles
Kelsey Grammer falling off a stage.
The classic Grape Stomping Lady fall.
The news tease jet pack fail.
"Effing Under the Christmas Tree!"
Sudden Onset Baby Leg
Pickle leg
"Buon Natale" by Brave Combo.
Conversion therapy
Cindy Lou Who
Cock rings
Shame
Underprivileged kids
Uncle Fester fakes a neck injury on The Brady Bunch, but Mike outwits him.
Knee fetish
Mistletoe
Warner Brothers cartoons
Daffy Duck in "Duck Amuck"
Pregnant Santa
Turtlenecks
White Christmas

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018: Is Nakedness Such a Hindrance to Shooting People?

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 04:00:00 -0800

We flash back to World War II and immediately find ourselves dealing with two naked people in a...pond? ...a lake? ...a magical puddle? It's very unclear what kind of body of water. Anyway, the skinny-dippers are confronted with Nazis. We don't really know who we're dealing with at first. But the lady scares off some Nazis with her "terrifying downstairs business." We later discover that these mysterious people are Bill O'Malley, Juliette's stepfather, and Martine Clocqueur. Naturally, Martine is a beautiful double agent. We're just surprised she's not also a talented singer, dancer, or musician. Bill has a head wound which has resulted in amnesia. But when he and Martine make out, under the water of course, he remembers kissing someone else. That person is Edna, Juliette's mom, who is also a spy. Who isn't? Apparently Bill promised to get engaged with Edna after the war. Martine isn't so concerned about that because it's wartime and during wartime "everything we hold honorable has to be cured in salt and sliced very thin." Like that's a famous saying or something, which it isn't. What she means is that it's totally cool for them to have sex because it's war and, you know, only wartime rules apply. It's a little surprising that we don't see them doing it, all things considered, but she does press her "upsetting business" up against him a lot in that pond/lake/puddle.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The "back-up beave" is introduced, the Nazis cavort away, and Billy thinks about Martine's "downstairs business" are here.
Billy and Martine make out under the water, Billy remembers Edna (or has his penis eaten by fish), Martine recommends they have sex despite Edna are here.
Martine throws herself at Billy and then slices all honorable things paper thin are here.

This episode's terrifying & confusing journey includes:

UCLA
KU / MU
Christmas
Sausage
Babe
Talent Show
Christmas cookies
Professional voice work
Liz Lemon shoots her Dealbreaker intro on 30 Rock.
World War II
Nazis
Amateur butt vs. pro butt
The Back-Up Beaver
Sexy Lady Godzilla
Crystal Gayle / Emmylou Harris / Loretta Lynn
The Nutcracker
"What are cows?"
The opening of the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

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017: You Have Utterly Stunning Toe Cleavage

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 05 Dec 2022 04:00:00 -0800

If there was even a moment that you thought Brooke McEldowney wasn't a weirdo, we offer up this six-pack of excursions into the world of Edda's "toe cleavage." It starts off super-weird, with Edda sitting on the sidewalk so Amos can gawk at her feet. After thirty years of knowing each other, this toe cleavage thing comes as a surprise to Edda, because that totally makes as much sense as anything else in this strip. A cop threatens to take them in, and eventually someone files a court order against Amos to keep him from publicly lavishing affection on Edda's toes. It does NOT stop him from gawking at them in front of his children, however. So that's cool. Finally, when the kids are asleep, Amos asks permission, but somehow the thrill is gone for Edda. In other words, just a normal week in this godforsaken comic.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Amos gawks, then a cop shows up, then a cop admires Edda's toes too right here.
Strangers witness Amos's fetish, his children witness his fetish, and Edda is no longer interested in his fetish are right here.

This episode's fetishized journey includes:

ER
Advent Calendars
Nativity Scenes
Studio Ghibli
Amazon
Pokemon
Minecraft
Roblox
Texting
Edema
Turtlenecks!
Sudden onset foot fetish
Bradley Whitford
"Queen of Hearts" by Juice Newton
The Glenn Close / Glenn Far meme.
George Michael
Purity pledges
The Good Place
Shaq
Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments

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016: Say Hello to Sphinxter, the Mobile Comments Wart

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 28 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0800

Neither of us was ready for Brooke McEldowney to introduce us to a filthy sock puppet named Sphinxter. But he did it anyway. Here, Sphinxter takes on internet trolls, or as McEldowney calls them, "anonymous onliners." If you're wondering if Sphinxter has a literal butthole for a mouth, he does. And we see it A LOT. In the end, McEldowney claims victory over the trolls and throws Sphinxter away. It's super fun!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Sphinxter gets introduced, states his thesis, and accosts Juliette & Elliott on the street right here.
Sphinxter uses a typewriter to address internet trolls, Juliette attacks Sphinxter, and then throws him away right here.

This episode's butthole-filled journey includes:

Taking Brooke McEldowney to court
Dolly the dog
Class-Action Lawsuit
Thorax
Sock puppet
Muppets
Washing machines
Oxy-Clean
Dishwashing pods
Sphinxter
Popsicle sticks
Lomi
Mark Cuban
Elon Musk
Emeralds into diamonds
Twitter
"Onliners"
Typewriters
Cloaca
Munchausen Syndrome
Judy Garland
Stockholm Syndrome
So many turtlenecks!

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015: A Butt of Malmsey: Happy Thanksgiving from Brooke McEldowney!

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0800

To celebrate Thanksgiving, we check out a handful of strips that ran on Thanksgivings in the past. Naturally, Brooke McEldowney wants NOTHING to do with such a common holiday. So we have to find our own way to give thanks for Juliette burning her old Daisy Dukes, Rita Hayworth throwing hot dogs at virgins, Edda getting furious at a butt of Malmsey, Amos & Edda ogling a mystery woman together, and a character we've never seen before attempting to jump off a diving board while giving a piggy-back ride to another character we've never seen before. But the real thing to give thanks for might be our conversation about vampires and how the rules of vampires make Brooke (Dillman) absolutely furious.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Juliette burns her Daisy Dukes, Rita Hayworth throws some hot dogs around, and Edda hears "butt" everywhere are here.
Edda & Amos stare at some lady's bazongas and the nude diving board shenanigans are here.

This episode's thankful journey includes:

Jeff hates Thanksgiving
Mashed potatoes
Turkey butt
Corn pudding
Candied yams
Green bean casserole
Daisy Duke from Dukes of Hazzard
The girl from The Ring
The Weber Grill
World War II
Entertainment Weekly
Rita Hayworth
Hot dogs
Richard III
Stuffing
Ramen noodles
Carol Burnett as Norma Desmond.
Harvey Korman
Bugs Bunny dressed up as a lady.
Period abuse
Consonant blends
Diving boards
Billy Joel
Let the Right One In
Vampires
Wizards

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014: A Radio Flyer, A Sack of Flour, and a Very Long Pole

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 14 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0800

Of course, one episode devoted to the imaginary sex rabbit McTwo could never be enough, right? So we spend another day exploring the world of McTwo. This time, we stay primarily in Juliette & Elliott's bedroom, but that doesn't mean the psychological landscape is any simpler. Far from it. There is such outlandish punctuation abuse, it nearly defies belief. But Brooke McEldowney does in fact use over 100 periods IN ONE WORD BUBBLE. Then McTwo joins Juliette & Elliott in their bed, which Juliette finds disconcerting at first but then -- we guess? -- a turn on? Ultimately, we end where we began last episode, specifically, with Juliette angrily "fluffing her pillow." I wish that was slang for something other than punching her pillow, I really do.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Juliette is annoyed with Elliott, Elliott conjures McTwo, and McTwo insults Juliette are here.
Mad Juliette, horny Juliette, and mad (post-coital) Juliette are here.

This episode's sexually confused journey includes:

Obituaries
Abe Vigoda
Actresses of old
Heroin
Slouching
Central Park on Apple TV+
Storming the Capital
"If Ever I Would Leave You" by Robert Goulet
McEldowney Ellipsis x 20
Radio Flyer
The bag of flour from health class
Inside Out
Bing Bong & Joy try to escape the Memory Dump
La Vie en Rose by Edith Piaf
The Eiffel Tower
Being "Eiffel Towered"
Yorick's Skull
Hepatitis
The Diet Coke Shortage
Dentistry

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013: Let Us All Say Floccinaucinihilipilification!

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 07 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0800

So, there's this giant white rabbit named McTwo. He's imaginary and he only shows up during sex. Seems like it was Juliette's burden to carry originally, but lately McTwo has branched out to watch Edda & Amos. But then we discover that he's apparently doing something more than just watching, because he creates a stain on a couch that Edda & Amos can see. So can Edda's roommate Seth, who is so disgusted by it that he literally barfs. First the stain is described as "marks," then a "spot," then a "blotch" that grows in size to resemble Maine. (I wish I was making up some part of this, but I'm not.) McTwo explains that it's "ectoplasm" and it always looks like Maine. McTwo asks Juliette and Edda to join him saying the antiquated and pointless word "floccinaucinihilipilification." Then the three of them sing a barbershop quartet song together. Yes. The three of them sing four-part harmony. We try to make sense of it all, as is our job. But, wow, this bunch of comic strips is A LOT.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The fun begins with angry Juliette right here.
The "marks," the "spot," and the "blotch" are here.
That big dumb word, the singing, and the confusing ending are here.

This episode's ectoplasmic journey includes:

Toilet paper
Cottonelle vs. Charmin
One of those horrible "Enjoy the Go" commercials.
I mean, Jesus, get over yourself, Charmin!
Juliette & Elliott
McTwo
Hepetitis & Jaundice
John Mayer's "quarterlife crisis," otherwise known as "Why Georgia."
York Peppermint Pattie
Amos & Edda
Hogtying
Ice Cream
Seth, the roommate
The Rock
Ectoplasm
Maine
Where exactly is South Berwick, ME?
Poppy from Seinfeld.
Interrobang
How to pronounce floccinaucinihilipilification.
"Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby"
Chuck Jones' sad eyes.

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012: Day and Night Area Bombing Raids

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0700

Brooke McEldowney tells us everything he knows about conception and pregnancy. It's not clear that he understands how any of the experience, especially for the woman, really works. We begin with Juliette showing Edda a useless pamphlet that attempts to explain sex. The very same pamphlet her mother showed her and was not useful to her. Amos & Edda talk about their two possible strategies for conception, both of which sound terrible. Edda claims to wear a string bikini for the first time as a "last hurrah" (?) before her body gets super gross because of pregnancy. Amos has sex with Edda while she's pregnant and they both need reassurance that it was okay. Amos speculates about that inevitable time when their kids will imagine him and Edda fucking. Oh yeah, he also then thinks about Juliette having sex to get pregnant with Edda. And apparently it's something he does A LOT. In a Sunday comic, Edda says "whoops" for reasons we're still not certain about. Then there's a whole nursing thing that's also super gross.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The useless sex pamphlet, the bombing raids, and the string bikini are here.
The "coal to Newcastle" sex, Amos imagining Juliette having sex, and the gross nursing are here.
The big Sunday comic with the unexplainable "whoops" is here.

This episode's upsetting journey includes:

Norm's $7.99 steak breakfast
9/11
Tattoos
Door-to-door meat salesman
Juliette & Edda
Sex Education
What is an Eb Alto Horn?
Turtlenecks
Amos
Ovulation
Beaver shots
Stretch Armstrong
String bikinis
By the way, the phrase isn't "coal to Newcastle," it's "COALS to Newcastle" and it means doing something unnecessary or pointless.
Bringing babies home from the hospital
Singin' in the Rain
Cyd Charisse and Gene Kelly.
The bombing of Dresden.
Gaslighting
Jessica Rabbit
Breastfeeding

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011: My Sweaty, Tempest-Tossed Hallucination of Shrieking Abandon: A Halloween Extravaganza

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0700

Foolishly, I suppose, we thought FOR SURE Brooke McEldowney would make some reference to Halloween in his strip over the years. At the very least, we were expecting the female characters to be dressed as sexy somethings -- painters? pilots? poop emojis? -- but McEldowney gave us nothing. So we soldiered on and explored a half dozen or so strips that ran on Halloween. Edda writes an incomprehensible sentence on the chalkboard. Thorax either milks a cow or breaks up with it. Both seem equally possible. Edda finds some confidence only to have a friend tell her to "drop dead." A former nun (Diane) and Catholic priest (Francis) get married, which fogs up another nun's glasses. Thorax becomes "shadow president" and for some reason a chicken reads three teleprompters that all say "cluck." Amos & Edda's relationship is tested when Amos accidentally kisses Xiulan, a fellow cellist who is also a pilot, because of course she is. Finally, Edda does a solo ballet dance that's interrupted by a dog putting his nose in her butt. Mostly, we end up spending a lot of time at an insufferable dinner party with Brooke McEldowney.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The vexing chalkboard, magnificent cow, and Drop Dead Janice are here.
The nun with the boob-eyes, the Shadow President, and Xiulan's damp kiss are here.
The dog nose in the butthole is here.

This episode's not very spooky journey includes:

Meditation
2-liter bottles
Rocket launch
Space X
Elon Musk
Plumbers
Halloween decorations
Edda
Cows
Thorax
The Bechdel Test
Janice, Edda's friend from the ballet company
Diane & Francis
Sister Steven / Sister Caligula
Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart films
Yet another ellipsis problem
Shadow governments
Teleprompter
Tony Orlando & Dawn
Amos, Edda, & Xiulan
Showgirls
Speed skating, ballet, or modern dance?
The mysterious white dog again
Happy Halloween!

Show Notes

Nam myoho renge kyo for 15 minutes.
Not a sexy poop emoji costume, but a sexy pope costume.
Does this comic strip pass The Bechdel Test? Probably not.
For context, this is Caligula.
A moment from To Have and Have Not.
"Knock Three Times" by Tony Orlando & Dawn.
The Showgirls pool sex scene. It is very NSFW. Skip to 2:15 for the splashiest part.

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010: A Vial of My Personal Body Fluid

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 17 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0700

So there's this whole string of strips where people send off, basically, angry "letters to the editor." Only in this case, it's people or entities that our beloved (?) Chickweed residents have had enough of. Juliette gets mad at the health care system and as a result shoots her computer full of arrows. Someone gets an "unsolicited letter" and throws their computer out of the window. Or the person sending the "unsolicited letter" throws the computer out the window. Or an unrelated person throws a computer out a window. Guys, it's not clear what's going on AT ALL in one of these comic strips. Amos shows what a super cool guy he is by showing he'd rather barf on his own computer than talk to children about what it's like to play in an orchestra. Thorax licks his computer. Why? Seriously? Why does anyone in this strip do ANYTHING? Juliette's husband moons his computer. And finally, Amos & Edda make out near their computer. The letters (and the reasons behind writing them) don't ever really make sense. We hate to be the ones to break this to Brooke McEldowney, but things that you do in front of your computer or to your computer aren't automatically conveyed through your computer to the recipient, at least not when you're typing. Anyway, one of these strips makes us so angry we can barely contain ourselves. All in all, totally worth it!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The computer shot with arrows and the computer thrown out the window are here.
Barfing and licking can be found here.
Mooning and making out are here.

This episode's loquacious journey includes:

Biscuits
Vitamins
Pop Tarts
Gummis
Swedish Fish
Maraschino cherries
Luxardos
Bananas
Diet Coke
Juliette, Edda's mom
Personal body fluid
Bacterial analysis
Archery
McEldowney Ellipsis
Nigerian Prince email
Mrs. Jameel Klotilde McSoderstrom
Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Amos
Thorax & Sister Steven
The Oxford Comma
Grammarly
Elliott & Juliette
Amos & Edda
Marry-Fuck-Kill
Gustavo Dudamel

Show Notes

How gelatin is made.
How maraschino cherries are made.
The Castle of Aarrrrgghhhhh!

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009: Prince Valiant & the Gorgon Dominatrix of the Universe

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 10 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0700

So, the government really did bug Edda's bikini bottoms. And her response to that is to dangle her recently removed bikini from a window to confuse the agents of the Creepy National Furtiveness Agency (you know, the CNFA). Somehow, Edda knows to lower the bikini bottom down to the open window (she knows it's open somehow?) where two children are talking about inflatable office buildings. As if "inflatable office building" is a toy that children can buy and/or would be interested in for some reason. The children talking about "blowing up" these inflatable buildings convinces the CNFA that actual buildings are being exploded. So they arrest Amos & Edda (hooray!) only to let them go immediately (boo!). They explain that they overheard the plot on Edda's bugged bikini bottom. Edda, wearing a dress, explains that she is not in fact wearing her bikini bottom under her dress. Because that is something that needs to be clarified. Edda talking about not wearing her bikini bottom convinces the CNFA agents that she's likely not wearing underwear, I guess. So it short circuits their brains, because that's what women talking about undergarments does to men ALWAYS. Edda & Amos leave the short-circuited agents in their apartment and go to dinner. And at dinner, Edda tells Amos she's not wearing her bikini bottom and that short-circuits him too. Because men are incapable of hearing about undergarments without being paralyzed. Fun stuff! (Part 2 of 2)

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Prince Valiant and the Hyena Girl examine the inflatable office buildings here.
Things escalate and Edda & Amos are arrested here.
Adult human men are incapacitated when a woman speaks about her undergarments here.

This episode's bottom-less journey includes:

Swedish accent
Diminishing returns
Brooke's (Dillman) home phone number
Microphones
McEldowney's horrible blog
"As Time Goes By"
Alan Dean Foster
Pibgorn
Amos & Edda
Prince Valiant
Hyena
Dick jokes
Greek mythology
Dominatrixes
Looking For Mr. Goodbar
Goodyear Blimp
Murder Mysteries
Inflatable Cotton Exchange
The Lehman Trilogy
Erector Sets
The New York Central Office Building
Sirens
Urine
Duane Reade
Headphones
Richard Belzer / Jay Leno

Show Notes

The best of the Swedish Chef.
If you want to read the Brooke McEldowney interview, you can't claim you weren't warned.
"As Time Goes By" from Casablanca
Bathe in the magnificence of the Prince Valiant haircut.
What exactly is a Gorgon?
Is a dominatrix always a sexual thing? I mean, not necessarily, but also yes, probably?
That Old Black Magic

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008: Your Views on Herbert Hoover Have Placed Your Bikini Under Surveillance

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 03 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0700

Just another day in the life of Edda & Amos Van Hoesen, when a simple trip to the pool ends up with Edda hanging by a thread. A rope? A wire? Look, we don't know. She jumps off a diving board with SOMETHING attached to her bikini bottom and she ends up hanging there for about a week's worth of comics. Amos speculates that it has to do with government surveillance, that someone planted a bug in her bikini bottom. We are not making this up. This is what he says. And so we spend all week on this topic. Sure, sure, there's a brief moment where Amos gets a boner. BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES! But does he ever make even the slightest attempt to help Edda down? OF COURSE NOT. He just continues to stare at her like a big dumb idiot. The biggest surprise is that he wasn't just making a goofy "joke" about her bikini being under surveillance. Nope, that's really what's happening. A government agency has put a bug in Edda's bikini bottom, and there's a (roughly) 200-foot cord attached that she somehow didn't notice. For reals. Yeah. We know. It's...it's something. (Part 1 of 2)

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The bugged bikini saga begins here.
Edda wriggles out of her bikini here.
And we visit the horrible blog cafe and finally see the government agents right here.

This episode's partially bare-assed journey includes:

Voicemail
Day drinking / day heroin
LaCroix Raz-Cranberry
Steve Martin
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Depends
Wigs
Dirndls & Germans
Coco Chanel: Nazi sympathizer
"At Seventeen"
Amos & Edda
Red bikinis
Diving board
Dutch Angle
Core strength
Fiji
Herbert Hoover
J. Edgar Hoover
Annie
Polly & Lolly
Village of the Damned
George Sanders (we said Saunders, sorry)
All About Eve
Wrecked
Rhys Darby
Gadget Hackwrench...again
NASA's space bikini
Brooke McEldowney's secret X-rated stash
Singin' in the Rain
chickweedcafe.blogspot.com
Not tipping your waiter
To Catch a Thief
Mission: Impossible
Pigeons

Show Notes

"At Seventeen" by Janis Ian
"I must think of a brick wall."
Shere Khan in the original Jungle Book.
Here's a little taste of Wrecked.
Recording sound for the first time in Singin' in the Rain.
In case you have a hunger to "dine on words."

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007: The Subtle Difference Between Livestock and a Blushing Bride

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 04:00:00 -0700

In order to fully understand the courtship of Fleurrie & Sven Spocket, we dive into an epic 10-strip sequence. Do we also talk about a handful of strips that we're not supposed to be talking about? Of course we do. Is their "romance" as disgusting and needlessly horny as we expected? Sadly, it is even more so. Yeah. We weren't happy about that either. Speaking of not happy, Brooke promised Jeff "4 or maybe 5" comic strips and then brought TEN to the table, making Jeff angry before he even looked at a single panel. Of course, Sven is slightly clueless about Fleurrie's intentions, because he's a male character in this godforsaken comic strip. But it's more than that. We discover that Sven is also a virgin who has been saving himself for his wedding night. We revisit Brooke McEldowney's habit of referring to sexual inexperience as a "new car smell." Which is so very, very gross. Only this time, it's a woman saying it about a man! So...hooray for equality? We don't subject you to the wedding, but we do dive into the honeymoon. Which is gross. Because: What else would it be?! Is there a strip that basically shows Fleurrie & Sven fucking? Like actually in the middle of fucking? You bet! It's supposed to be romantic, but it's obvious that Sven would prefer the company of livestock.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The first two are here.
The boner trilogy can be viewed here.
Dumb Sven on his wedding night is here.
The fucking and the weird aftermath are here.

This episode's extra horny journey includes:

SIM cards
The Girl From Ipanema
Denmark
Diet Coke
Brach's Autumn Mix
Candy Corn
McEldowney Ellipses
GU Packets
Harvest Mix
Walgreen's
Bananas
Fleurrie & Sven Spocket
French Rococo
Paul Lynde
Australian accents
Human Kite
Chicken fights
Marriage proposals
Docks
Drill team routines
Deflated balloons
Queen
Harry Caray
Thermos
G-strings & Speedos
Boners
Amos
Silhouettes
Deltoids (but we meant trapezius)
More boners
So many ellipses
Virgins & the "new car smell"
Implied beastiality
Honeymoon
Animaniacs
The Vet-lise
Dutch Angle
Karate Gi
Bowl cut
The Thousand-Yard Stare
Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers

Show Notes

The Girl From Ipanema
Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares.
An actual Australian accent.
"Another One Bites the Dust"
How to carry livestock.
The Dutch Angle is only ever used to show that something is wrong.
The best of Gadget Hackwrench.

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006: A Trampoline Comes Convulsively to Mind

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 19 Sep 2022 04:00:00 -0700

A few listeners had questions and comments, which led us to a week's worth of very confusing strips, even by this ridiculous comic's standard. Our goal was to answer their questions about what in the specific fuck was going on. There was a question about swings, and why the characters were on swings, and how old were they exactly, and also, seriously, what the fuck is up with this goddamned strip. Seriously. How do you go from a standstill in one panel to nearly flying off the swings in the next? But let's backtrack to the beginning of this story, a couple days earlier, where World's Most Romantic Couple are drawn as Hobbit-sized children, and they speak only of how they will have babies later. This leads us to our introduction to Edda's mother Juliette, who is infuriated (?) to hear that her daughter and her daughter's friend are discussing having babies at whatever age or ages they're currently portrayed at. Five? Eleven? Fifteen? Your guess is as good as ours. Is a conversation between two children about possibly having children when they get older awkward and gross? What? Are you new here? Of course it is!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The first three are here.
The last three are here.

This episode's time-traveling journey includes:

Phantom of the Opera
Writing letters
Long-distance phone calls
Kansas City local commercials
Amos & Edda
Swingsets
Farting (but blaming the chair)
Message boards
Tuberculosis
Brooke's (Dillman) birthday
Fisher Price Little People
The McEldowney Ellipsis
Peanuts
Dorf on Golf
Edda's mother Juliette
Fulbright scholar
Orangutan / Orangutang
KU / MU
Hotline
Rotary phones
RADAR vs. SONAR
The Gas Giants of our Solar System
The DOUBLE McEldowney Ellipsis
Balloon animals
Siri
Accidental conception
Crotchless ballet outfits

Show Notes

"All I Ask of You"
Dorf on Golf
The correct pronunciation of "orangutan."
Rotary phones for sale.
Telephone dialer
How does RADAR work?
The poetry of Robert Krut.

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005: Socrates Never Won a Debate By Licking Someone's Ear

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 12 Sep 2022 04:00:00 -0700

How do we decide which strips to look at each episode? Brooke uses a very scientific "process of rage." And so this episode we focus on talking about Edda & Amos, the most romantic and perfect couple the modern world has ever seen. What evidence is there of their amazing relationship? Well, Amos goes out of his way to make a terrible pun and Edda either punches him or hip-checks him out of the strip. (Who can tell which? Not us, for sure!) Not for good, unfortunately. Edda also gets sexy for Amos, who is obviously too stupid to pick up on simple cues like lingerie. I mean, he's a real idiot. It nearly makes Jeff lose his mind. In a special Sunday edition, Amos's sexual petulance finds a new level, inspiring Edda to (apparently) put his entire ear in her mouth. We are apparently to believe that Amos and Edda are NOT doing it doggy style on a dock. Yeah yeah, sure sure, it's just accidental that they're drawn that way. Finally, their newborn twins, Polly and Lolly (lord help us), use their powers of mental telepathy to discuss Amos and Edda's sex life. It's totally cool, guys. Very, VERY cool.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The first two are here.
The big Sunday strip is here.
The last two are here.

This episode's "aphrodisiacal" journey includes:

Subject: Nightmare
Edda & Amos Van Hoesen
Contractions
Ba-donk-a-donk
Jerry Lewis
MMA
Baby doll nighties
Word bubbles
The McEldowney Ellipsis
KU / MU
Rick Moranis
Turtlenecks (yet again!)
Yodeling
The Bletter: The stylish Blazer/Sweater combo
Clown pants
Krusty the Clown
Socrates
Feminine wiles
Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Doggy style
Lolly & Polly, the twins
Nightrobes
Bob Seger
Peanuts
Quality time
Esperanto
Sexual beings
Fuck swing

Show Notes

"The Lonely Goatherd"
"Krusty Gets Busted"
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
Esperanto Explained
This is definitely in Amos & Edda's nursery.

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004: The Wrong-Way Taco

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 05 Sep 2022 04:00:00 -0700

This episode, Brooke brings four completely wordless 9 Chickweed Lane strips to the podcast. Would words have helped some of these strips? I think we all know the answer to that is: Probably not. We discover that Go Comics has three separate sections of this god-forsaken comic: 9 Chickweed Lane, 9 Chickweed Lane Classics, and Staff Favorites. From the Classics category, we see Edda dancing and Edda watching Edda dancing, if that makes any sense. Chances are it doesn't, which is totally on-brand. McEldowney's (almost certain) nudism is again discussed. Sven & Fleurette "Fleurry" Spocket are introduced, along with their calf, who is either their pet or lover. Both? Edda confuses a mysterious dog for her husband Amos. And finally, Edda dives into a pool for reasons that you seriously will not believe. We discover that Brooke (Dillman, not McEldowney) would forgive this comic strip if only every installment ended with a picture of a dog covering his eyes with a paw out of embarrassment.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The first three are here.
The big Sunday strip is here.

This episode's word-free journey includes:

Our mission statement
Tongue twisters
Edda
Ballet
Mirrors
Opera glasses
Nudists
Sven & Fleurette "Fleurrie" Spocket
Juliette's sick bull
Veterinarians
PhDs
Gutter cleaners
French Rococo, specifically Jean-Honoré Fragonard
Cowl neck sweaters
Dickies
Kickstarter
Vet-lise: The Briefcase for Veterinarians
Eyes Wide Shut
Throuples
1,000 Monkeys
Piano recital
Breaking Bad
Amos
Diving
The Wrong-Way Taco
Shark Tank
Rubik's Cube
Drabble
Secret 90
Dickweed
Balls

Show Notes

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001: The New Car Aroma of Her Khakis

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 29 Aug 2022 04:00:00 -0700

Our long-awaited first episode! Is it the dumbest idea for a podcast? Probably!

We talk about our least favorite newspaper comic strip, 9 Chickweed Lane, written and drawn by Brooke (no relation) McEldowney. We kick this journey of rage off with the romance (?) of Thorax and Esme. According to Wikipedia, Thorax is an amiable elderly farmer, who is "brilliant and odd beyond all description." He also appears to be anwhere between 90 and 100 years old. The object of his affection is Esme, a policewoman who is definitely in her 30s. In this first part (of three), Thorax introduces himself to Esme and has a lengthy conversation with himself through a typewriter. It ends with a sigh and a cliffhanger. Which seems an impossible combination, but here we are.

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The first three are here.
The last two are here.

This episode's wild journey includes:

Stephen Sondheim's Company
Calvin & Hobbes
The Pandemic
Grindr
Manual Typewriters
Ellipses
Dear Abby
Julie Andrews
Googly Eyes
Roget's Thesaurus
Khakis
Barf bags

Show Notes

Talk to Us!

Having trouble understanding what's going on in a 9 Chickweed Lane strip you just read? Send it our way! We'll take a shot at interpreting it for you! Just want someone to talk to?
We're on Twitter: @9ChickweedRAGE

002: Rock-Hard, Bulging Sidearm

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 29 Aug 2022 04:00:00 -0700

In part two of this three-part horror-fest, we continue to follow the romance (we guess?) of Thorax and Esme. We admit to Brooke McEldowney that we probably just don't get his very, very smart comic strip. Brooke (Dillman, not McEldowney) invents a new word while describing Esme's sudden and aggressive seduction of Thorax, which includes (of course) uncomfortable double entendre, sexy (?) grammar wordplay, and hilarious airport metaphors. Esme kisses Thorax A LOT. But he does nothing, until the very end, when he magically (?) does something very, VERY upsetting. At least to us. It probably gave ol' B. McE a boner. You know what? There's no probably about it. We also explore our theory that McEldowney is a weird college professor/nudist.

(One caveat, we're not super tech smart. And as we've begun this podcast, we've had some glitches to deal with. Please bear with us for the occasional audio weirdness. Thanks!)

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The first three are here.
The last two are here.

This episode's "tittilizing" journey includes:

Wagnerian opera
KU vs. MU
The Civil War
Slavery
Me Too
TAB
Fat-shaming
Sexual harrassment on the job
Cirque du Soleil
Ellipsis abuse
Blow-up sex dolls
Leg injuries
Panties
Summer of 2020
Standards & Practices
Nudists
Ascots

Show Notes

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003: Doesn’t That Make Everything So Cozy?

hatethedrake@mac.com (Jeff Drake, Brooke Dillman) — Mon, 29 Aug 2022 04:00:00 -0700

In the final part of this three-part horror-fest, we explore the romance (???) of Thorax and Esme. It's been an epic story arc. We recap our journey so far. And eventually end up walking into the ocean along with our May-December (of the following year) couple. Along the way, we awkwardly use the phrase "booty call," investigate Thorax's "bad touch" area, are mystified by hats, welcome a suddenly homicidal E.T. to our podcast, and watch Thorax finally clue into the fact that Esme likes him, which sends him (literally?) over the moon. If only it really happened. We also have to suffer through more of Brooke McEldowney's annoyingly florid dialog. Of course we do, because when don't we? It's fun to discover the new ways that Esme shows her love this episode, which includes romantic gunplay and farting.

(One caveat, we're not tech geniuses. And as we've recorded this podcast, we've had some glitches to deal with. Please bear with us for the occasional audio weirdness. We promise that they clear up. Eventually. Thanks!)

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

The first three are here.
The next two are here.
The last two are here.

This episode's very gassy journey includes:

Axl Rose
Spell-casting
Unnecessary traffic stops
Booty calls
Shooting ranges
Overalls
More ellipsis abuse
Nickels
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
Trash-sitters
Love farts
Mutual mental illness
Sunsets
Kim Kardashian
Maleficent